On boundaries
For this edit from the oracelle universe - we asked you to send us topics you would like to read about.
you suggested talking about
personal space, finding peace, taking breaks, finding your "USP", time management, saying "No", setting goals and reaching them
and a lot of other topics that we clustered among one umbrella that gathers all these themes:
SETTING AND HOLDING BOUNDARIES.
all images: Tonya Matyu
Boundary setting and holding is essential - maybe the most essential thing you can do to become and be exactly the person you want to be.
But many of us don't know what boundaries are, how to set them, or that we all need them at all.
We're happy to present
3 ORACELLE STEPS
OF DEALING WITH BOUNDARIES
I. Becoming aware
Boundaries are the ultimate life hack. They are your firm line. They’ll give you space to protect your energy. You’ll feel less overwhelm and daily stress. Confidence and self-esteem will start to build. Relationships will hold more meaning. But first, you may be scared and uncomfortable. Why? Most of us have never created boundaries let alone held them.
They are your verbal (and sometimes non-verbal) communication with the world and the people in it. Almost everyone struggles with boundaries because they never saw the adults in their family or other role models have them. They had a mother who said yes to every single event even if she was exhausted or a father who did for everyone before himself. Society rewards these types of behaviours but we don’t ever look at how these people feel.
We don’t look at the state of their health or the satisfaction of their relationships. If we did, we may not be rewarding this behaviour. Eventually, resentments creep in, tempers flare, and disease manifests.
„Understand people’s feelings are not your responsibility.“
The underlying belief when we do things to make others “feel” better is that we are responsible for how people feel. Some people don’t like hearing no. Other people may think you are “selfish” or “rude.” How people feel about your actions is based on their own previous experiences in the world. They have little or nothing to do with you. You are not responsible for the feelings created from them.
II. SETTING BOUNDARIES
You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand. So identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits first.
Consider what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. Those feelings help us identify what our limits are.
For example, honouring the fact that you tend to get overstimulated due to a busy schedule, you could set boundaries with limited meeting time per day or block fixed slots for free time.
Make self-care a priority, which also involves permitting yourself to put yourself first. When we do this, our need and motivation to set boundaries to become stronger. Self-care also means recognizing the importance of your feelings and honouring them.
Putting yourself first also gives you the energy, peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others and be there for them. And when we’re in a better place, we can be a better wife, mother, husband, co-worker or friend.
„Let words be second to action.“
Humans are verbal creatures. We are used to expressing ourselves mainly through words. Boundaries are challenging because they involve follow up action. Not only do we have to do something different we have to avoid the desire to over-explain, apologize, or rationalize our choices to another. We need to commit to our decided action (or inaction depending on the situation) and avoid the tendency to talk our way out of doing so. Sometimes this means communicating non-verbally through our actions.
III. REACTIONS
Boundaries are an act of self-love. BUT, if you’re lacking emotional maturity (like the vast majority of us) you won’t see that. You’ll interpret boundaries as a rejection. They will cut at your unhealed attachment wounds. And, depending on your ability to regulate your emotional response, you might lash out. Child-like responses are common because it brings out our hurt inner child. For example, people might interpret your boundaries of limited meeting time as disrespect or a rejection of them and their topics and tend to be disappointed.
Here are some things to say and do when you get a negative reaction to a boundary:
“I understand this might be upsetting for you, but it is what I am needing to do for myself.”
“You don’t need to approve of my choices, but please respect them.”
“Maybe we should talk later when we both feel more calm.”
Postpone the conversation, say goodbye and hang up the phone.
Calmly gather your things and leave.
In a text/DM conversation state that you’re done speaking about this and do not respond.
„The biggest part of boundaries is how clearly you communicate and defeat them. “
Sometimes we're afraid to confront others with truth in love or relationships. We're afraid to tell people what we really want, to admit that we hate going to certain restaurants or have trouble spending time with a friend's toxic cousin or hate when a boss dumps deadlines on us at 6 p.m. on a Friday. We conceal our true feelings because we're scared of people's reactions.
BUT this is another thing that boundaries help you with: The more you ground yourself with your values and limits, the more you'll be able to be very clear in your communication and build trust and deep connection with yourself and others.
We think this is worth putting some work in this topic.
„Let’s create change together.“